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IMDb List Widget [Feb. 16th, 2008|10:14 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2007|08:05 pm]
xsilver_lotusx




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A new life [Mar. 31st, 2007|11:30 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Soil-Give it up]

Grades for Winter Quarter

Math 92: B
English 102: B
HDEV 101: A

So far I've gotten nothing less than a B grade. For some reason though, I feel like I could have done so much better. I feel like any B should be an A. Any A- should be an A. I didn't try hard enough, I didn't do my best, I slept too much, I wasted too much time doing worthless things when I could have been studying or writing. Even though people tell me that I did good, it doesn't matter. In my mind, I didn't meet my own standards. This quarter I'm going to try harder. My schedule for Spring Quarter is as follows:

Monday: Stress Management: 11:10am-12:00
Tuesday: Sociology 101: 1:00-3:00 and CDS 101: 6:00pm-8:30pm
Wednesday: Stress Management: 11:10am-12:00
Thursday:Sociology 101: 1:00-3:00
Friday: CDS 107: 5:15pm-8:00pm (only 3 classes)
Saturday: CDS 107: 9:00am-4:00pm(only 3 classes)

Seems like a lot but I spread out my classes over the week so hopefully this will make it a little less strenuous. The whole Saturday thing is pretty strange but it's only 3 times during the quarter; plus it's adolescent development so it should be interesting. We'll see.

I'm going crazy trying to stay safe. I swear to god I just want to huddle up in the bathroom and do some damage but I'm restraining. I'm not sure for how much longer I can hold off, but for the time being, I'm keeping busy with things such as moving, cleaning, staying online, watching movies and such. Hopefully, those can keep me occupied long enough until I can find something new.

This is scary.
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So much [Mar. 30th, 2007|08:56 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

We got the apartment. In fact, it is where I'm at right now. We moved in yesterday, just enough stuff to get by on until next Saturday. That's when we'll complete everything and we can start to settle in. It's different. I'm somewhat nervous but at the same time excited because I have my own room now with a TV and my computer. I have privacy again and wont feel so narrowed in. I felt like everything I had and was had to be shoved into a box much too small either. Now I can breathe.

I talked to my dad today. Talk talked to him. Not just the usual, "Hi, how are you? Oh I'm fine. Yeah blah blah blah." He explained to me what's been going on with him physically and mentally and it's really not good at all. I'm so worried about him. I haven't seen him this depressed since I was 10. For 2 years he was like this, after my mom left him. He has that same sullen aura, like all the life has been drained from him. He told me he knows that he needs help, it's just the matter of taking that step. It's hard to see him like this. For the past two years he has been there so many times and just supportive and everything I could have asked for. I wish I had a chance to have that from him growing up. I think I could have really benefited from it.

So there's that. I have many other stressors at the moment, but I wont bore anyone with them. In fact, I'm tired of thinking about them myself.

I don't think anythings settled in quite yet. I feel like I'm just over at Jen's hanging out and then I remember, oh I can go in MY room. MY room. How pathetic is it that I can't get over the fact I have my own room again? Well, at least I wasn't homeless. I believe that would have ten times worse.

Oh, classes start again on the third. Heh. This is happening much to fast for my liking.
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Kittie Concert!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Mar. 12th, 2007|07:55 am]
xsilver_lotusx
Saturday I went to the Kittie Concert. It was so fucking awesome. There were a couple other bands that played; In the Moment, 36 Crazyfists, Walls of Jericho, and I can't remember the name of the other one. By the time Kittie came out it gotten so sweaty and cramped in the room that my friends and I were getting sick. It was at a place called Rock n Roll Pizza and there was a bar in it. The only place to smoke was in the bar and everytime I went in there I felt like punching people that wouldn't get the fuck out of my way. It was ridiculas. There were so many people.

When Kittie came out, I was maybe 5 feet from the stage. Needless to say, my throat was raw and scratchy the next day and I was so sore from being knocked around so much. Aside from that, after the concert we all got drunk. I got more drunk than I have been in a long time. I don't remember a lot of the night after we started drinking. I guess I was yelling at everyone and started crying. I couldn't sit up, I kept falling and telling everyone to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I've been told. I feel stupid for getting that out of hand but fuck, I needed to get wasted. I just didn't plan on getting that wasted.

It's the last week of winter quarter. I can't beleive I've made it through another quarter. I can't believe that I'm actually fairly good in my classes this quarter. I have been having such a hard time, what with staying sane and all. It felt good to be able to fucking scream and get pissed at the concert. And then to get wasted. It was great.

I'm moving out of my dads in April. I'm moving in with Jen and Casey, and Chloe aka Tinky. I fucking love that kid. I'm so scared but excited at the same time. We're not moving too far from where I live now, just a couple of blocks so I'll be able to go to my dads and help him out when he needs me to and just go to hang out. I'll be busy though with Spring quarter. I got another full load of classes to get out of the way. After that, summer quarter will be simple. I think I'm only taking maybe 6 or 7 credits and one class will be an online class so that'll be nice. I won't have to head out in 90 something degree everyday with long sleeves and a fucking smile plastered on my face. I can sit in my room, in a short sleeve shirt with a fan and be fucking great.

God, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. But I can't. I don't have the time.
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Emotional [Mar. 5th, 2007|08:14 am]
xsilver_lotusx
[Current Location |School]

Last night I decided go home to pick up a few things for today. Jen walked with me and we brought Chloe. I cleaned the living room a little bit before trying to casually mention that I was going to move out next month. I have been living there for nearly 2 years now, though it feels like half of my life. I said that I would be moving out with Jen and Casey and that I was scared to be on my own, away from my comfort places. Something new is always terrifying to the point of tears for me, but I am also excited.

At first he said he was happy and that it always feels weird as it is when I'm not there. And then, out of nowhere, he started crying.

Crying. My dad. The man who all my life never really showed me any emotion, any sense of life aside from anger or false happiness. He started crying and I hurried over to hug him. He said a billion sweet things, I glanced at Jen whose eyes were teary as well. I felt horrible. I just felt like I was crushing him, like we had finally accepted each other and now I'm ending it. But it's not like that. He reassured me this. At least a dozen times. It still didn't stop the burning in my chest or the clenching of my stomach. I couldn't hardly breath. I was entirely overwhelmed but bit my lip and nervously laughed, trying to stay positive because I knew if I were to let my guard down the tears wouldn't stop.

I was right.

I hugged him a couple more times until it started to get too late and Chloe needed to get home for bed. I really didn't want to leave after that but I couldn't stay there, alone. He would be going to bed shortly after that and I would have sat up all night sobbing.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I lost it. I cried the whole way home. I tried to keep it under control but the more I did that, the more I gasped for air and couldn't breath. Once we got back to Jens, I went upstairs to talk to Casey for Jen as she waited downstairs. I stumbled in and said, "Um........umm.....Casey...?" He wasnt looking at me. It took all I had in me to hold back the loud sobs that were trying to escape. He sounded annoyed. "What?!" I fell onto the couch. "Jen....." Loud sobbing. He spun around and looked frantic. It's funny now looking back at it. I couldn't even barely get the words out. I told him Jen would explain and that she was downstairs waiting for him. He hurried out and as soon I heard the door slam shut and his hurried footsteps along the stairs, I really let it out.

I must have cried for about an hour. I don't even know why. I could not make myself stop, no matter how hard I tried. It was horrible. I felt sick, dizzy, and I couldn't breath. By the time they got back I had managed to gain control of myself.

I still have this aching feeling that I'm doing something wrong even though I know I'm not. I'm not. I'm 22, I'm finding my place in life, right? This is a good thing. I don't need to hide beneath the security of my parents forever. It doesn't work like that.

But I'm still absolutely terrified.
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Bleep bleeping bleeping bleeper [Feb. 14th, 2007|07:56 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
Monday was horribly long and annoying. I was in English and just fucking annoyed as hell. We went to the library for an "orientation". Like I need a god damn orientation. I practically live in the library. I already knew everything but I couldn't afford to miss and the librarian seemed to be on crack or some form of it. I wanted to punch her in the face. But clearly, that would have been unacceptable. So I sat there for an hour and listened to her screechy voice while silently pleading with my instructor to just make it end.

Today was even worse. Everything was getting on my nerves. There were fucking people everywhere. I suppose that should be expected considering it's college but fuck. Why can't they leave at least a foot of breathing room instead of cramming together so tightly that I can't breath? Shoulder to shoulder. Much much too close for me. I don't like it when other people touch me. I don't mean to be rude, but when it happens I cringe. It's like a reflex. It just happens.

I think I might be losing my mind again. It happens every now and again. Or perhaps I lost it a long time ago and am just delusional. Ignorance is bliss, right? So I'll continue to believe I am sane. Why might I think that I'm losing my mind? My eyes play tricks on me, my ears ring and hum and there's a distant, constant mocking voice. It could be my concsious, I couldn't tell you right from wrong though.

I keep begging myself to keep standing. To keep moving. To keep waking up. It's getting to the point of exhaustion. I need a drink. A couple of drinks. No, a lot of drinks. I need the numbing effect. It's been much too long.

I've been "good" for nearly 3 weeks. Three fucking weeks. Almost a month. Now what. Congratulate myself? Give myself a pat on the back? No, I don't deserve that. I'll just end up jinxing myself.

Wow, anyone else want to join my pity party? I'm having a hell of a time.

Lets see, at least one positive thing. Come one, just ONE. It's not that hard. Oh, I got an 86 on my math test. There, that's something to congratulate myself on.
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Paper Flowers [Feb. 4th, 2007|09:33 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
They tear so easily. Iredescent petals in lavender and pale blue. You can see right them. Frail and easy to pull apart. One clumsy slip and the whole thing falls apart. That's about how I feel right now.

I got the results back a few days ago from the culture they took on my leg. I have a staph infection. Antibiotics, tetnus shot and I'm good to go. Stupid stupid stupid. I knew something was wrong when my leg swelled to the size of a grapefruit and it burned to the touch. Ah well, at least I got it tooken care of. I'm still pretty angry with myself. I haven't done anything for awhile. It's rough. I look at my leg and I just want to start up where I left off. I wasn't anywhere being done but I suppose that's out of the question now. I have to be strong. I have to care or at the very least, find a way to care.

My english instructor is, I believe, psychotic. Or at least teaching the wrong class. Maybe he got mixed up or something because I'm quite positive that I didn't sign up for a debate class. If I had wanted to take debate then I would have signed up for debate. I signed up for English 102 COMPOSITION. Composition is fairly easy. Writing, simple as that. Summaries, analysis's, essays, MLA, research. I'm content with that sort of stuff. Debating...no. I can barely respond to simple hi, let alone stand up and defend my stand in an argument with people I hardly know on a subject I couldn't care less about. Grrr.

Positive: Kittie is going to be in portland on march 10 and I'm going. Woohoo!

Oh, I didn't mention last night, in which I was so fucking drunk I couldn't stand on my own. I tried, I really really tried. It just wasn't working. I have unexplained bruises all over my body. From what I remember and from what people tell me, I apparently had a great time. Aside from the short crying episode when I fell and hurt my leg. Other than that, I need to learn my limit. Something that is pretty hard to do.
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Encounter [Feb. 1st, 2007|08:11 am]
xsilver_lotusx
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |school]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

I went to the doctor because the cuts on my leg were pretty infected. The top one was swollen and red and the others were just really red and hot. I kept getting a throbbing pain all the way up to my knee so Jen convinced me to go in.
The doctor was really understanding about it. When he seen my leg he said, "Oh, my. I guess you did." He sat there examining my entire calf before asking me if I'm getting help for this, who am I seeing, when I do I see them next, blah blah blah. He said that they are infected and he prescribed a heavy duty antibiotic. It's making me sick though.
Anyway, got up and said, "Don't go anywhere quite yet, I'm going to have my nurse come in and take a culture of that to see if the infection has spread." I nodded and said okay, not thinking anything of it.
The nurse comes in, sticks a cotton swab inside the cuts and gets up to leave. I asked if I could go now since she was done. She looked petrified. "Um, no. The doctor wants you to wait here. Somebody is going to be in a few minutes to talk to you. Her name is Jodi."
Greeaat. Jodi comes in, "Hi, I'm Jodi. I'm the social worker for the clinic here and doctor so and so said blah blah blah severe, blah blah safety of yourself, blah blah, suicidal? blah blah, want you to be safe.
I told her what she wanted to hear, annoyingly, and sped out of there before someone changed thier mind about me retaining my freedom. I was supposed to wait for a tetnus shot but I couldn't risk it.
As far as the antibiotics go, they are horrible. Huge, white, chalky pills. Potent. They burn my stomach. Make me tired. Make me sick. He told me it was either these or IV antibiotics. I took the pills. I don't have 6 hours to waste sitting on a bed doing nothing while hooked up to a machine.
Sabrina's home. I'm so happy about that. I was so worried about her. I still am. And Kristina's talking to me more often, so that's good. I missed talking to her. I just wish everyone would be okay. I hate seeing people struggle. My friends are the only people I have. Jen, Sabrina, and Kristina. They mean everything to me. Without them I'd be nothing. They have all helped me in so many ways. Now I'm just rambling but that's mostly because I've been up since 5:30am and slept like shit all night.
I think I'll stop now before I end up writing a novel.
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Self destructive [Jan. 28th, 2007|01:45 pm]
xsilver_lotusx
It's devouring my life. Everything, every fucking thing revolved around it. I cut again the other night. There are several that are about the average that I do and the other three are fucking sick. I most likely should have gotten them stitched but didn't want to fucked with so I managed to stop the bleeding and now thier infected. Fuck.

The other night when I added the last two, I was interrupted and so fucking pissed. I started bawling because I wasn't done and it wasn't good enough, even though I can lay my middle finger inside of it. It's pretty deep.

I'm not done. Planning planning planning. Yesterday I was trying so ridiculasly hard to get everyone to leave so that I could be alone and be dumb but it just didn't work out.

Sabrina's still in the hospital, Craigs funeral is coming up(I don't think I'm gonna go since I don't really know his family all that well), and I have so much homework and responsibilities that I just want to kill myself. I can't though. I can't for many reasons but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the plans.

I don't know when this will end. I don't know how much I can handle. I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do with the peices. Nothing makes sense.

I hate myself.
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