| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2007|08:05 pm] |
Comment if you want to be added :) |
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| A new life |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|11:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Soil-Give it up | ] |
Grades for Winter Quarter
Math 92: B
English 102: B
HDEV 101: A
So far I've gotten nothing less than a B grade. For some reason though, I feel like I could have done so much better. I feel like any B should be an A. Any A- should be an A. I didn't try hard enough, I didn't do my best, I slept too much, I wasted too much time doing worthless things when I could have been studying or writing. Even though people tell me that I did good, it doesn't matter. In my mind, I didn't meet my own standards. This quarter I'm going to try harder. My schedule for Spring Quarter is as follows:
Monday: Stress Management: 11:10am-12:00
Tuesday: Sociology 101: 1:00-3:00 and CDS 101: 6:00pm-8:30pm
Wednesday: Stress Management: 11:10am-12:00
Thursday:Sociology 101: 1:00-3:00
Friday: CDS 107: 5:15pm-8:00pm (only 3 classes)
Saturday: CDS 107: 9:00am-4:00pm(only 3 classes)
Seems like a lot but I spread out my classes over the week so hopefully this will make it a little less strenuous. The whole Saturday thing is pretty strange but it's only 3 times during the quarter; plus it's adolescent development so it should be interesting. We'll see.
I'm going crazy trying to stay safe. I swear to god I just want to huddle up in the bathroom and do some damage but I'm restraining. I'm not sure for how much longer I can hold off, but for the time being, I'm keeping busy with things such as moving, cleaning, staying online, watching movies and such. Hopefully, those can keep me occupied long enough until I can find something new.
This is scary. |
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| So much |
[Mar. 30th, 2007|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
We got the apartment. In fact, it is where I'm at right now. We moved in yesterday, just enough stuff to get by on until next Saturday. That's when we'll complete everything and we can start to settle in. It's different. I'm somewhat nervous but at the same time excited because I have my own room now with a TV and my computer. I have privacy again and wont feel so narrowed in. I felt like everything I had and was had to be shoved into a box much too small either. Now I can breathe.
I talked to my dad today. Talk talked to him. Not just the usual, "Hi, how are you? Oh I'm fine. Yeah blah blah blah." He explained to me what's been going on with him physically and mentally and it's really not good at all. I'm so worried about him. I haven't seen him this depressed since I was 10. For 2 years he was like this, after my mom left him. He has that same sullen aura, like all the life has been drained from him. He told me he knows that he needs help, it's just the matter of taking that step. It's hard to see him like this. For the past two years he has been there so many times and just supportive and everything I could have asked for. I wish I had a chance to have that from him growing up. I think I could have really benefited from it.
So there's that. I have many other stressors at the moment, but I wont bore anyone with them. In fact, I'm tired of thinking about them myself.
I don't think anythings settled in quite yet. I feel like I'm just over at Jen's hanging out and then I remember, oh I can go in MY room. MY room. How pathetic is it that I can't get over the fact I have my own room again? Well, at least I wasn't homeless. I believe that would have ten times worse.
Oh, classes start again on the third. Heh. This is happening much to fast for my liking. |
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| Kittie Concert!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|07:55 am] |
Saturday I went to the Kittie Concert. It was so fucking awesome. There were a couple other bands that played; In the Moment, 36 Crazyfists, Walls of Jericho, and I can't remember the name of the other one. By the time Kittie came out it gotten so sweaty and cramped in the room that my friends and I were getting sick. It was at a place called Rock n Roll Pizza and there was a bar in it. The only place to smoke was in the bar and everytime I went in there I felt like punching people that wouldn't get the fuck out of my way. It was ridiculas. There were so many people.
When Kittie came out, I was maybe 5 feet from the stage. Needless to say, my throat was raw and scratchy the next day and I was so sore from being knocked around so much. Aside from that, after the concert we all got drunk. I got more drunk than I have been in a long time. I don't remember a lot of the night after we started drinking. I guess I was yelling at everyone and started crying. I couldn't sit up, I kept falling and telling everyone to leave me the fuck alone. That's what I've been told. I feel stupid for getting that out of hand but fuck, I needed to get wasted. I just didn't plan on getting that wasted.
It's the last week of winter quarter. I can't beleive I've made it through another quarter. I can't believe that I'm actually fairly good in my classes this quarter. I have been having such a hard time, what with staying sane and all. It felt good to be able to fucking scream and get pissed at the concert. And then to get wasted. It was great.
I'm moving out of my dads in April. I'm moving in with Jen and Casey, and Chloe aka Tinky. I fucking love that kid. I'm so scared but excited at the same time. We're not moving too far from where I live now, just a couple of blocks so I'll be able to go to my dads and help him out when he needs me to and just go to hang out. I'll be busy though with Spring quarter. I got another full load of classes to get out of the way. After that, summer quarter will be simple. I think I'm only taking maybe 6 or 7 credits and one class will be an online class so that'll be nice. I won't have to head out in 90 something degree everyday with long sleeves and a fucking smile plastered on my face. I can sit in my room, in a short sleeve shirt with a fan and be fucking great.
God, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. But I can't. I don't have the time. |
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| Emotional |
[Mar. 5th, 2007|08:14 am] |
Last night I decided go home to pick up a few things for today. Jen walked with me and we brought Chloe. I cleaned the living room a little bit before trying to casually mention that I was going to move out next month. I have been living there for nearly 2 years now, though it feels like half of my life. I said that I would be moving out with Jen and Casey and that I was scared to be on my own, away from my comfort places. Something new is always terrifying to the point of tears for me, but I am also excited.
At first he said he was happy and that it always feels weird as it is when I'm not there. And then, out of nowhere, he started crying.
Crying. My dad. The man who all my life never really showed me any emotion, any sense of life aside from anger or false happiness. He started crying and I hurried over to hug him. He said a billion sweet things, I glanced at Jen whose eyes were teary as well. I felt horrible. I just felt like I was crushing him, like we had finally accepted each other and now I'm ending it. But it's not like that. He reassured me this. At least a dozen times. It still didn't stop the burning in my chest or the clenching of my stomach. I couldn't hardly breath. I was entirely overwhelmed but bit my lip and nervously laughed, trying to stay positive because I knew if I were to let my guard down the tears wouldn't stop.
I was right.
I hugged him a couple more times until it started to get too late and Chloe needed to get home for bed. I really didn't want to leave after that but I couldn't stay there, alone. He would be going to bed shortly after that and I would have sat up all night sobbing.
As soon as the door clicked shut, I lost it. I cried the whole way home. I tried to keep it under control but the more I did that, the more I gasped for air and couldn't breath. Once we got back to Jens, I went upstairs to talk to Casey for Jen as she waited downstairs. I stumbled in and said, "Um........umm.....Casey...?" He wasnt looking at me. It took all I had in me to hold back the loud sobs that were trying to escape. He sounded annoyed. "What?!" I fell onto the couch. "Jen....." Loud sobbing. He spun around and looked frantic. It's funny now looking back at it. I couldn't even barely get the words out. I told him Jen would explain and that she was downstairs waiting for him. He hurried out and as soon I heard the door slam shut and his hurried footsteps along the stairs, I really let it out.
I must have cried for about an hour. I don't even know why. I could not make myself stop, no matter how hard I tried. It was horrible. I felt sick, dizzy, and I couldn't breath. By the time they got back I had managed to gain control of myself.
I still have this aching feeling that I'm doing something wrong even though I know I'm not. I'm not. I'm 22, I'm finding my place in life, right? This is a good thing. I don't need to hide beneath the security of my parents forever. It doesn't work like that.
But I'm still absolutely terrified. |
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| Bleep bleeping bleeping bleeper |
[Feb. 14th, 2007|07:56 pm] |
Monday was horribly long and annoying. I was in English and just fucking annoyed as hell. We went to the library for an "orientation". Like I need a god damn orientation. I practically live in the library. I already knew everything but I couldn't afford to miss and the librarian seemed to be on crack or some form of it. I wanted to punch her in the face. But clearly, that would have been unacceptable. So I sat there for an hour and listened to her screechy voice while silently pleading with my instructor to just make it end.
Today was even worse. Everything was getting on my nerves. There were fucking people everywhere. I suppose that should be expected considering it's college but fuck. Why can't they leave at least a foot of breathing room instead of cramming together so tightly that I can't breath? Shoulder to shoulder. Much much too close for me. I don't like it when other people touch me. I don't mean to be rude, but when it happens I cringe. It's like a reflex. It just happens.
I think I might be losing my mind again. It happens every now and again. Or perhaps I lost it a long time ago and am just delusional. Ignorance is bliss, right? So I'll continue to believe I am sane. Why might I think that I'm losing my mind? My eyes play tricks on me, my ears ring and hum and there's a distant, constant mocking voice. It could be my concsious, I couldn't tell you right from wrong though.
I keep begging myself to keep standing. To keep moving. To keep waking up. It's getting to the point of exhaustion. I need a drink. A couple of drinks. No, a lot of drinks. I need the numbing effect. It's been much too long.
I've been "good" for nearly 3 weeks. Three fucking weeks. Almost a month. Now what. Congratulate myself? Give myself a pat on the back? No, I don't deserve that. I'll just end up jinxing myself.
Wow, anyone else want to join my pity party? I'm having a hell of a time.
Lets see, at least one positive thing. Come one, just ONE. It's not that hard. Oh, I got an 86 on my math test. There, that's something to congratulate myself on. |
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| Paper Flowers |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|09:33 pm] |
They tear so easily. Iredescent petals in lavender and pale blue. You can see right them. Frail and easy to pull apart. One clumsy slip and the whole thing falls apart. That's about how I feel right now.
I got the results back a few days ago from the culture they took on my leg. I have a staph infection. Antibiotics, tetnus shot and I'm good to go. Stupid stupid stupid. I knew something was wrong when my leg swelled to the size of a grapefruit and it burned to the touch. Ah well, at least I got it tooken care of. I'm still pretty angry with myself. I haven't done anything for awhile. It's rough. I look at my leg and I just want to start up where I left off. I wasn't anywhere being done but I suppose that's out of the question now. I have to be strong. I have to care or at the very least, find a way to care.
My english instructor is, I believe, psychotic. Or at least teaching the wrong class. Maybe he got mixed up or something because I'm quite positive that I didn't sign up for a debate class. If I had wanted to take debate then I would have signed up for debate. I signed up for English 102 COMPOSITION. Composition is fairly easy. Writing, simple as that. Summaries, analysis's, essays, MLA, research. I'm content with that sort of stuff. Debating...no. I can barely respond to simple hi, let alone stand up and defend my stand in an argument with people I hardly know on a subject I couldn't care less about. Grrr.
Positive: Kittie is going to be in portland on march 10 and I'm going. Woohoo!
Oh, I didn't mention last night, in which I was so fucking drunk I couldn't stand on my own. I tried, I really really tried. It just wasn't working. I have unexplained bruises all over my body. From what I remember and from what people tell me, I apparently had a great time. Aside from the short crying episode when I fell and hurt my leg. Other than that, I need to learn my limit. Something that is pretty hard to do. |
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| Encounter |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|08:11 am] |
I went to the doctor because the cuts on my leg were pretty infected. The top one was swollen and red and the others were just really red and hot. I kept getting a throbbing pain all the way up to my knee so Jen convinced me to go in.
The doctor was really understanding about it. When he seen my leg he said, "Oh, my. I guess you did." He sat there examining my entire calf before asking me if I'm getting help for this, who am I seeing, when I do I see them next, blah blah blah. He said that they are infected and he prescribed a heavy duty antibiotic. It's making me sick though.
Anyway, got up and said, "Don't go anywhere quite yet, I'm going to have my nurse come in and take a culture of that to see if the infection has spread." I nodded and said okay, not thinking anything of it.
The nurse comes in, sticks a cotton swab inside the cuts and gets up to leave. I asked if I could go now since she was done. She looked petrified. "Um, no. The doctor wants you to wait here. Somebody is going to be in a few minutes to talk to you. Her name is Jodi."
Greeaat. Jodi comes in, "Hi, I'm Jodi. I'm the social worker for the clinic here and doctor so and so said blah blah blah severe, blah blah safety of yourself, blah blah, suicidal? blah blah, want you to be safe.
I told her what she wanted to hear, annoyingly, and sped out of there before someone changed thier mind about me retaining my freedom. I was supposed to wait for a tetnus shot but I couldn't risk it.
As far as the antibiotics go, they are horrible. Huge, white, chalky pills. Potent. They burn my stomach. Make me tired. Make me sick. He told me it was either these or IV antibiotics. I took the pills. I don't have 6 hours to waste sitting on a bed doing nothing while hooked up to a machine.
Sabrina's home. I'm so happy about that. I was so worried about her. I still am. And Kristina's talking to me more often, so that's good. I missed talking to her. I just wish everyone would be okay. I hate seeing people struggle. My friends are the only people I have. Jen, Sabrina, and Kristina. They mean everything to me. Without them I'd be nothing. They have all helped me in so many ways. Now I'm just rambling but that's mostly because I've been up since 5:30am and slept like shit all night.
I think I'll stop now before I end up writing a novel. |
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| Self destructive |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|01:45 pm] |
It's devouring my life. Everything, every fucking thing revolved around it. I cut again the other night. There are several that are about the average that I do and the other three are fucking sick. I most likely should have gotten them stitched but didn't want to fucked with so I managed to stop the bleeding and now thier infected. Fuck.
The other night when I added the last two, I was interrupted and so fucking pissed. I started bawling because I wasn't done and it wasn't good enough, even though I can lay my middle finger inside of it. It's pretty deep.
I'm not done. Planning planning planning. Yesterday I was trying so ridiculasly hard to get everyone to leave so that I could be alone and be dumb but it just didn't work out.
Sabrina's still in the hospital, Craigs funeral is coming up(I don't think I'm gonna go since I don't really know his family all that well), and I have so much homework and responsibilities that I just want to kill myself. I can't though. I can't for many reasons but that doesn't stop the thoughts or the plans.
I don't know when this will end. I don't know how much I can handle. I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do with the peices. Nothing makes sense.
I hate myself. |
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| I'm just a face in the crowd:Nothing to worry about |
[Jan. 21st, 2007|08:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Getting Smaller-NIN | ] |
I slipped up. I tried to so fucking hard and went a really long time...or at least it seemed like a really long time, it seemed like decades.
So I may have went a little overboard. Usually when I go any deeper than the usual I panic or am able to stop myself. But this time I just kept going and going. When I looked down I noticed that I had dropped the razor blade and where did it land? Inside my leg. They bled throughout the night, most likely from me moving around so much. I think I finally got it under control though. The bleeding that is. Everything else is a whole different story.
I'm angry at myself, I'm so fucking pissed that I screwed up but all I want is to do it again..and again and again and again. Fuck, it's overwhelming everything in my life. I can't balance things out anymore. |
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| what if everything around you isn't quite as it seems:what if all the world you think you know |
[Jan. 18th, 2007|09:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sunspots-Nine Inch Nails | ] |
Is an elaborate dream:and if you look at your reflection is it all you want to be:what if you could look right through the cracks would you find yourself afraid to see:
There was no school for two days due to crazy snow weather and black ice. But that's completely irrelevant.
What is relavent is I think the zoloft has deadened me. Aside from the fact that if I miss a day, my eyes play tricks on me and inanimate objects take on a life all their own. They shift and sway and no matter how hard I try to focus on one thing. I think my eye balls are disconnecting from my brain. I'm not even kidding and it's freaking me the fuck out.
Winter quarter isn't going to be good. I can already feel the trembling settling in. It does that. Creeps up on me and melts onto my finger tips until I'm shaking and can't hardly breath. I take the ativan but it doesn't seem to do much anymore. I'm scared to ask them to increase my dose because I've heard how addicting it can be. I cannot get addicted to pills.
For some reason, something from my childhood is tugging at me. I keep thinking of how lonely I was all the time. I remember how dependant on my mom I was. She was my entire world. I never realized at 15 that sooner or later I would have to detach myself from her. I miss how it used to be between us.
I'm going to attempt to take a shower again tonight. I haven't been able to. The bathroom is just too full of things that have a strange gravitational pull about them. One minute I'm okay and rinsing shampoo out of my hair, the next somehow my hand found a razor and broke it apart. Half of the time I don't remember the actual cracking of plastic but there is always shards of pink plastic scattered around me and two fresh blades sitting there. One glance at them and it's over. I lose control over everything and become this completely seperate being, not human, not anything. Just a wasteland covered in blood.
I wish I wasn't so weak. |
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| My god I love to hate it:My hands are bloody again and theres no reason why |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Monolith-Stone Sour | ] |
Classes are just a little overwhelming. The amount of homework, the amount of time. I have no time to think and I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing yet. Perhaps a little bit of both? meh...
I have been sleeping an unusual amount of hours. Anywhere from 12 to 15 a night/day. I try to get up and get going but as soon as I sit up, it starts and back down I go. (Hears the bitter laughter) I am nothing.
People look at me like I'm some sort of leper. They look at me and I know what thier thinking. "Why is she bothering? Why is she even trying? What a loser." Thier all strangers to me, my peers, my instructors, my advisors. I sit in class for an hour and a half and nervously shake my leg and stare at my paper, listening but not processing the information. The voices are disembodied. I see everyone's mouths' moving so quickly and it's all so blurry and then suddenly it all is pulled down and drowned out. I hate classrooms. I hate the chattering, annoying, staring, thinking people that surround me.
I'm not sure how I'll manage the rest of the quarter. Something, inside of me somewhere, seemed to have cracked.
I feel redundant. I feel like everything I say, write, do, live is redundant. If nothing changes soon, if I don't change soon...well, I don't know what I'll do. But I can't keep living like this. Not forever at least. |
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| It never stops |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|08:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
It just wont go away.
I cant do it. I need to get drunk. |
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| Something not right |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|02:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | LCC | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
I'm going insane. Crazy how slow a process this is. I feel like everything I am is covered in glue, my movement is slowed, my insides are deadened. I can't feel anything on the outside as well. I tried to. I tried to prove that I was real but nothing came of it. The blood is just a filling. It's what keeps me upright, gives me substance. There's something strange going on inside my brain and it's not informing me of anything that is happening.
I don't quite understand where the voice is coming from. But it's constantly there. Telling me things I don't want to hear, such as the truth. I never knew it to be the truth, I only suspected. Now I am certain. It all made sense, or at least I thought it did. But now I look back at my previous state of mind and realize that the only sense it made was fake.
I don't know what to do. It's not even just the cutting, it's so much more than that. Something much stronger and persuasive. Winter is usually a more difficult time for me as it is, but this year...it's nearly unbearable. Waking up everyday is becoming a task. Sometimes I forget to breath. I forget what I'm doing and get confused so easily.
I am putting too much pressure on myself. There is too much pressure being put on me. I want to fucking scream until I lose my voice. |
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| I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends:Thier in my head |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pessimistic | ] |
It's been a long two days. Very long. In fact, the past two seem like a month. I'm so tired but I cant sleep. I'm depressed but I can't cry. I'm pissed but I cant yell. I'm fucking all over the place and hardly anything is making sense. I knew this would happen. It's a new quarter, it's the same fucking routine. Get up, smile, smile, smile my way through the day, get home and become terrified that if I don't hurry and do my homework it'll somehow never get done. I get obsessed. Doing more than I actually need to do and writing, writing, writing useless crap that probably makes no sense. But I"ll keep smiling throughout it all.
"Hi, how are you?"
Gritting my teeth and holding in air. "I'm fine." I can feel my breathing quicken. "You?"
"Oh, I'm doing alright."
So quick, so false. Thier not alright and I'm surely not fine. But that's what I say. Fine, fine, fine, fine. Fuck I hate that word.
I'm already buried in homework. It hit fast and hard. Knocked the wind out of me. But, as I said before, I obsess over it...as well as many other things.
Worry worry worry. I'm feeling very repetitive today. I hate who I am. I hate that I'm such a lie. I hate that I lie. I hate being so fucking negative. I want to scream and bleed and scream and bleed.
I cant get the image out of my head. Haunting, slithering, frozen. I hate it. But I love it. Images upon images, they layer themselves so thick it begins to grow foggy in my mind. Fogginess isn't very good.
Tomorrow, I believe I'll smile some more. I'll smile and the images will flash across my eyes like a movie reel and I'll be paranoid that if anybody gets too close to me, they will be able to see each slide, each clip that I've created in my own little theater. But I'll definitely keep smiling. Because that's the right thing to do, right? Smile and pretend I'm fucking wonderful and am not so fucked in the head that I have to fucking gouge holes in my own body in order to function properly.
it will never end |
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| A year in review |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
( Month by month )
So my year was full of ups and downs, but whose isn't? I just read over my first entry of 2006 and realized that everything I put still holds true. I don't think I've changed one bit. I've grown a lot, succeeded in something I thought I would never ever in a million succeed in; yet I still feel like I have the exact same obsessions, nightmares, depressions, anxieties, and values. Perhaps I should be more patient. Perhaps I should I congratulate myself and allow myself to be proud of the person that I am and the things I have excelled in.
I think that is something that I'll never learn to do. How could I? What I am inside is nothing like I am outside. |
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| My resolutions |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|12:15 am] |
Ummm, the first one is a little wierd....
In 2007,  xsilver_lotusx resolves to... Become a better hole. Connect with my inner mudvayne. Backup my sunrise regularly. Give some empire records to charity. Take cherryromance reading. Pay for my sims on time. |
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| I can't hold onto me::Wonder what's wrong with me |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Evanesence::Snow White Queen | ] |
The last couple days I have been miserable. I know a big part of it is that I have been sleeping so much and once I fall into that routine I go downhill until I hit something hard. Yesterday I pestered Sabrina about getting drunk and we did but it didn't last for very long and I was right back where I was. I honestly don't know why I have been so distant. Everything I say or do there's a voice saying, "Stupid, stupid. Your a bad person. A bad friend, a bad daughter. Selfish, stupid."
Finally, today something snapped. I went into the bathroom at Sabrina's and started crying. Sobbing really. The kind of crying where catching your breath is difficult and noises escape your throat that you immediately suck in too much air and then it only get's louder when you don't want anyone to hear. It was rather annoying. I got a grip and smoked a cigarette, started crying again. Went inside, drank a glass of water, started crying again. I felt like a moron because everybody was there and it was hard to hide when my eyes were swollen and red and I had to keep wiping away black streaks from my face.
I was so frusterated. I wanted to cut so terribly bad. I wanted to seriously fuck myself up. I wanted to die. The voice wanted me to die. Repeating over and over and over again, why dont you just kill yourself, your pathetic. I hate you I hate you I hate you. It was relentess and came from nowhere. I cant even explain the rest, I don't know if this makes any sense anyway.
I was just having a really really bad day.
I feel somewhat better now after doing something productive. I just need to keep my hands busy. If I can manage that, I should be able to keep them from doing bad things to myself.
As a side note, I didn't feel like dealing with a doctor to have my stitches removed again. He makes me feel like I'm something worth caring for and then I just feel stupid. I waited 2 weeks and just took them out on my own. I figured by two weeks it would have healed at least a little bit with the stitches. I was wrong, I put butterfly bandages on it but they didn't hold very well and it re-opened partially. It's healing now. It's just a really good thing I took all those antibiotics. |
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crazy